me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?