me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“Theirye’re” problem solved
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.