me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently