#DesignFail
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
one of
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?