Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
You Might Also Like
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Seals are just dog mermaids.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.