Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My sex drive has a dui
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?