Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me