[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS