[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
peak technology
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”