Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.