Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….