a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Probably my best painting.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*