[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Our lord and savoury.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
When I pack too much for a short trip.