[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
had to share :’)
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”