[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”