me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.