u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
this is the greatest thing ever
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Same pineapple, same
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers