[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.