[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?