TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me driving through Toronto
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale