[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.