[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy