[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.