[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?