[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”