@brynnester: [Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?
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@earnestaugust: She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@Cpin42: According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.