@brynnester: [Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?
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@JD_KC: The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading "blink if you're being held against your will"
@erica_rosie: Stages of Candle Burning 1: this smells nice 2: still smells nice 3: this is all I can smell now 4: this is the only scent I have ever known
@jwoodham: BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
@GringoBrulee: My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"