Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The Others (2001)
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I hope it’s French Onion!
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.