Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win