My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see