[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
choose your fighter
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Awwwww shit.