Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
That’s easy for you to say
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse