Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister