[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁