[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”