ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door