Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
what’s really going on
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)