[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
In case you needed to hear it:
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER