[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
You Might Also Like
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.