me as a parent
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once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When ur friends with white people
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger