[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Oh my God.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire