Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed