[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
sin harder.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.