[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*