[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
A choir of Spring onions
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger