[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The glockness monster
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off