[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
You Might Also Like
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?