ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You Might Also Like
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!