@truegritrumble: ME: *as a surgeon* What's the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over...Where are you going?
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@liv_thatsme: Me (blindfolded): It’s “brains,” right? Manager at Olive Garden: If u don’t get your hands out of that woman’s pasta, I’m calling the cops.
@Beerhaze: I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
@jaketapper: I'm trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
@BoutCrazed: "I'm frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat" is what I said. "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano" is what I meant.