@NewDadNotes: Corgi: why are my legs so short? God: that’s just what legs look like. Corgi: oh cool. [giraffe walks by] Corgi: God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

@tacos_y_cerveza: CW: Can I ask you something? Me: Don't talk to me until I've had coffee. CW: But you don't drink coffee. Me: *smiles and continues to work

@HatfieldAnne: A master's degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

@AmishPornStar1: Of course morning sex is better. You haven't spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

@Stellacopter: Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.