[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash