[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Every photo I’m tagged in
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Lucky old June.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.