ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Lucky old June.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.